Do You Really Know What Love Feels Like? An Observation from the Movie 'Precious'

Last night during our newly minted Adult Movie Night (Not the X-rated kind..just no kids), we decided to finally watch the movie 'Precious'.  All I have to say is WOW!  What a raw depiction of the rough life of a young lady with the odds greatly stacked against her.  Throughout the movie I wondered what it actually takes for a human being to feel Free and Worthy to be Loved.  At the same time, I wondered what does it take to know how to love somebody.  Is it as easy as it sounds to love and be loved?

I won't share too many details of the movie for the sake of someone reading who hasn't yet seen the movie, but I have a lot to say about how I think our perception of LOVE is shaped. 

I am convinced that that IT IS IMPOSSIBLE to LOVE when you have NEVER been loved.  You cannot give anybody anything that you have NEVER received.  It is a biblical and extremely practical concept.  1 John 4:19 - We LOVE because He first LOVED us.  Not getting the right type of love can affect you for the rest of your life.  It affects how you view yourself as well as how you love and trust others.  For instance, take note of where you came from and how it has affected who you are today.  Here are a few things that come to my mind....some from the movie 'Precious' itself.

Not having a mother or father.

Having an overly critical parent

Having a parent who shows little or no interest in the things that are interesting to you.

Being physically and/or emotionally abused by our parents.

Receiving little or no affirmation or encouragement from your parents.

Not experiencing consistent appropriate touch from our parents.

You will notice that each of the above examples involve your relationship with your parents.  Why?  Because it is a parents responsibility to show you what love is.  Oftentimes, our parents feel just as broken and unloved as we do.  Think about it!  Why did Precious feel the way that she did about herself.  It is amazing, but 1/3 of the female population has experienced the same type of abuse as Precious.  Furthermore, why did her mom feel the way that she did about herself?  Why did she transfer her own pain and lack of love to her daughter?

A good indicator of how we internalize the love we received, or lack thereof is by how and who we choose to love.  If we don't have a healthy view of love, we will unknowingly break the rules of ethics and morality and common sense to get it.....Won't We?  A seemingly good girl will go after a "bad boy".  At an extreme, a woman will kill her children for the love of a man.  We will hook up with with a 'hot guy' or 'hot girl' even though they have no respect for the feelings of others.  Precious' mother sacrificed her daughter's innocence for the love of a man.  

A couple more examples that more comically pop into my head from my teenage years.  Do you remember the song, 'Boom! I Got Your Boyfriend'?  How about, Splackavellie'?  Basically, both songs talk about people with no regard for the fact that the object of their affection is taken.  This gives a lot of credence to what the condition of your heart is if you share the point of view of the people singing the songs. Proverbs 4:23: Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. 

One more thing before I move on.  Hearing and reading that God loves you actually does very little.  Real change happens when you begin to experience His love in a way that's tangible.  You experience His love through real-life relationships.  If you grow up around emotionally unhealthy people, you yourself will probably be emotionally unhealthy.  So I ask again? How do you give love if you never really got it?  

First, you have to go to where Love is, for which it is usually an extremely tough task for people without it.  One of the big problems with people who missed a good dose of love is they experience relationships on one of two extremes.  Either they are overly trusting of people and never really learned who and how to trust or on the other hand, they trust no one.  So they blindly give everything or they give only a portion of themselves, reserving the most intimate parts of who they are.  In other words, I'll hook up with you, but I'll fight you every step of the way because you will not take advantage of me.

So the goal is to get the Love you need to become whole.  You have to go to where loving relationships exist.  In other words....If you missed the healthy love of a father, take a risk and find an emotionally healthy older man or friend willing to love and mentor you.  Hang around people who have themselves together.  People who are more emotionally mature in ways that you are not.  You have to stop hanging around the same types of people who tend to agree with you.  If you are a loner, you have to break out of your shell to experience something you've never had before.  You cannot do the same things that you have been doing and getting the same result.  You might need to hang around a new set of people.  Maybe you don't need all those friends that you think you have/need.  You might need to find a new church because the one you're currently in is filled with toxic people who DON'T CHALLENGE YOU to grow.  You might find that the people who have what you need may not have the same skin color as your own.  Love has NO color...right?  One thing that you will find is that it takes guts to learn how to love.  It will not always be comfortable. You will have to break out of your comfort zone and give healthy people a chance. Oh yeah, word of wisdom.....You must remember that healthy people are not perfect.  They just tend to A) be more honest about their weaknesses and frailties and B) Are willing to do something about those weaknesses and frailties.

When you surround yourself with loving types of people, you will find that they will challenge your faulty brand of love for yourself and of others.  This serves no other purpose than to be a proponent of change.  Your mind will go through a process of renewal. Romans 12:2 - Be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind.  You will begin to think differently and process life in a whole new way.    Ultimately, you will find yourself making better decisions.  You'll have the ability to love more freely.  You'll begin to love with no reservation.  And for the people that you don't trust because....they don't deserve it, you'll have a better idea of how to handle them without liking or hating them.  

God commands us to love others and freely give of ourselves.  We cannot do that if we do not love ourselves or know how to love others.  

Thanks for allowing  me to share.  Let's get healthy people.  Find the source of your 'unlovingness'.  Not so that you can have someone to blame, but so that you can understand the source of it.  Then you can start working through it.  We have to know what we're dealing with before we start trying to resolve the problem right?  Identifying the problem is only a part of the battle to help you come of of the darkness of your not so pleasant past.

1 Peter 2:9: But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.